Trending Topics: Spring Breakers movie review - [a case of the summer]

....Or, as I'd like to call it, quite possibly the worst movie in the history of cinema.

Yeah, so earlier tonight I decided to order Spring Breakers.  I know, I know, but I have a mini crush on Selena Gomez AND Vanessa Hudgens, and hey, Ashley Benson isn't hard on the eyes either.  But it VERY quickly became a huge ordeal.  I struggled.  A lot.  And I watch A LOT of bad movies.

I'm not even going to do a spoiler page break, because frankly I don't even know what the story was.  This movie was literally devoid of a plot.  For some flimsy reason they desperately wanted to go on spring break and they went through completely inconceivable lengths to make it happen.  Were their actions supposed to be shocking?  Expected?  A sign of things to come?  I haven't a clue, because we had no understanding whatsoever about who these characters were.  So really it just came across as "Wait, did that just happen?  What, there are no repercussions?  And hold on, nobody seems to care or be disturbed about this?"

So then they go on spring break.  And what do they do?  I haven't the faintest clue, because we don't actually see them do ANYTHING.  And that was the even bigger problem with the movie -- we never, ever watch anything happen.  Practically every single scene in the movie is cut and spliced together.  Very rarely does the scene ever focus on somebody as they speak.  Instead, somebody starts talking and the narration plays over a series of rapid short scenes.  And then, for good measure, they repeat certain lines over and over again ("spring....break....forever....")  There's barely any dialogue between the characters.  Again, it's just a series of lines narrated over a series of short clips.

So, much like the beginning, there's no investment in the characters or their plight.  When they hit their first hurdle, am I supposed to be sad?  Do I want them to overcome it?  Am I supposed to think they got what they deserve?  Well, I don't even get a chance to contemplate these things, because it's quickly resolved after a series of quick clips!!

It's just one inexplicable thing after another, where the characters make decisions and take actions that you couldn't possibly fathom.  I visited IMDB because, for once, I DID want to read about the negativity.  Shockingly, there were people who tried to argue that this was actually some sort of social commentary.  What?  How so?  Honestly, I think it just existed so that we could see actresses who came from Disney saying extraordinarily inappropriate things.

But hey, I still have a crush on Selena and Vanessa.

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The End of TV Soul Mates?

A couple of months ago when I put together my Top Ten Cases video of my favorite TV kisses, I made an interesting observation: Over the past decade or so, we haven't really followed a relationship to the point that the first kiss is a genuinely monumental moment (I'm excluding Smallville, where the characters' histories are already established).

For example, when you say "Beverly Hills: 90210" you probably think of Dylan and Brenda. Or Dylan and Kelly. Or even Brandon and Kelly. Each relationship was built up, sustained for a number of years, and lingered long after they had ended. Compare that to today's 90210, where in just three seasons Silver has had a relationship (to varying degrees) with Dixon, Ethan, Teddy, and Navid. That's four lead male characters in two and a half seasons.

So what's different? For one, I think there's a lack of restraint. On The Office (the closest example of modern soul mate TV), Jim and Pam didn't get together until the end of the third season. Can you imagine, say, The Vampire Diaries waiting that long to bring Elena and Stefan together? Admittedly, we're dealing with different genres, but television writers seem to have a difficult time building a romance without bringing the characters together almost immediately. It's not impossible, Lost did a fantastic job of that with the Kate/Jack/Sawyer love triangle. No matter which character she ultimately ended up with, it was going to be a moment years in the making.

Another problem is the general laziness of creating conflict because it's harder to make happy characters interesting. I actually commend The Office for pairing up Jim and Pam and never having them break up. The writers just needed to tweak their formula in order to keep them entertaining (while a lot of people have objected, I actually enjoy them quite a bit). 90210 is notorious for this. Between Annie/Ethan, Naomi/Ethan, Annie/Liam, Naomi/Liam, Silver/Dixon, Dixon/Ivy, Silver/Teddy, Ade/Teddy, Silver/Navid, Ade/Navid, has ANY relationship lasted more than an entire season? I mean hell, even the teacher has hooked up with three different guardians to three different students.

And finally, there's also this general sense of certain relationships feeling unimportant. Friends did a tremendous job of making Ross and Rachel significant. Almost everybody recognizes that as THE relationship of that show, despite the fact that Chandler and Monica were together for far more of the series' duration. Likewise, you have Jim and Pam from The Office. Jack and Kate and Sawyer and Kate from Lost. Seth and Summer from The O.C.

But overall, when was the last time two characters got together, and it felt like something you were REALLY waiting for?

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Anybody else watching this crap?

I'm not even entirely sure why I've submitted to exposing myself to such drudge, but I decided to watch the MTV Movie Awards, as there really isn't anything on television right now. And man, has it been painful....

First was the opening monologue. I'm sure the actor from Parks and Recreations is hilarious, but that monologue was just plain awful. I don't think I laughed once. Nor did anybody in the audience. It was just uncomfortable, and it kept going and going. Wow...

Then despite having people like Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and Sandra Bullock in attendance, they open the show with....David Spade and Rob Schneider???? Really? And then Kristen Steward proceeds to give one of the most awkward acceptance speeches I've ever seen, well, ever.

And in the opening 20 minutes, I'd venture to say there were no less than 239 Twilight jokes. And they were lame jokes. And the franchise is lame as well. And they had the nerve to use the True Blood theme when presenting a Twilight scene as a nominee. Sacrilegious!

Anyway, don't watch. But do be sure to visit the blog in the upcoming days, as I'll be unveiling another Top Ten Cases. I'm also thinking of some ideas to keep us going through the summer. Thanks for the loyal support, folks!

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Playing games with the Playoffs

As we approach the NFL playoffs, my office has decided to run a football pool. However, the picks are made on a round by round basis (as in, you're not completely screwed if the team you have winning the championship is eliminated in the first round). I'm a bit saddened to say I don't know a thing about the NFL (I probably couldn't name ten players), so I thought I'd have a little fun and make my picks based on completely ridiculous criteria, and seeing how I fare against experts superfans.

This round, I'm making my picks based on which mascot I think would win in a fight. So, here are my picks:

New England

Jets

Cowboys

Packers


Wish me luck!!

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Melrose Place Midseason Report

As originally reported in my preview video, I will be reviewing a different show every day this week....

Whereas you have 90210 -- which most viewers believe has improved leaps and bounds -- you also have a show like Melrose Place, which, I believe, has actually CORRECTLY used their "originals" and arguably better developed their "newbies," is on life support. At this point, it doesn't even appear that they'll get a second season.

The irony of this scenario is that the original series was in much the same boat. It was panned as being boring and bland, but then quickly turned it around into the cult classic we remember it as.

Click the "Read More" link for my complete thoughts on the season thus far. Naturally, spoilers are within.

As I noted in my introduction, I thought this season has done a great job of handling their original characters and properly integrating them into the lives of the new, lead characters. Their presence isn't forced or contrived, as I felt it sometimes was last season on 90210. And, for the most part, they've picked the RIGHT originals to return. It was smart of them to go out of their way to ensure that heatseekers like Sydney, Amanda, and my favorite Michael returned to the show.

I can't help but laugh, though, that all these old characters have become so bitter and mean. Sure, Amanda was always a bit of a witch. And Jo always had an edge. But Jane? For the most part, she was pretty level headed, caring, and compassionate. She was the damn ice queen when she stepped into the apartment complex at the beginning of the season. I look forward to seeing her reunite with Michael. These two are great together. I can only imagine how THIS Jane interacts with him.

Regarding the new characters, it seems obvious to me that Ella will step up as the "star" of the show should it get a second season. She's a surprisingly layered and complex character. Sure, she screwed over Jonah during an early episode, but she's also stepped up -- big time -- when her friends are put in an unfair situation. When Jo went off on Riley, Ella came to her defense. She remained loyal to Amanda when another opportunity seemingly came her way. She's defended Jonah even when it was potentially damaging to her career. It's obvious that she's not some one-dimensional blond bitch. And that's why she'll step up as the true lead.

They finally revealed the killer, and I must say I was quite surprised. And not in a negative way. All signs pointed to Violet. I mean, she was in the perfect position to frame both Auggie and Michael, she had the motive, she's set to leave the show, and she's freakin' psycho. But this twist actually made sense. And the past two episodes did a relatively okay job of shedding Violet in a sympathetic light. And how about that? Michael lying for his wife to protect his son. Strangely sweet.

Or course, it's also only fair that I mention the things I've disliked. After defending them for quite some time, I finally had enough of Jonah and Riley. Their self righteousness just became a bit too much to handle. All they ever do is complain about their monetary situation, and they're CONSTANTLY falling ass backwards into situations that will make them more than comfortable for the foreseeable future, and they just blow it because of their unrealistically high moral standards. Jonah won't accept a movie deal because he thinks the producer believes he will blackmail him. Riley loses her modeling contract because she won't lie about her family background. Jonah leaves an IT job because he's unsettled by the fact that he dug up information for somebody who proved to be an unreliable friend. And what's worse is that they seemingly don't care about screwing over their friends' careers, particularly Ella, either.

And on the topic of self righteousness, I also get irked by the fact that Lauren won't compromise certain values, yet is willing to become a prostitute. I mean, I can understand having issues with stealing or fudging medical records -- but isn't prostitution pretty much rock bottom?

Further, Ashlee Simpson was just atrocious in her role. I've seen her act before. She was never great, but she wasn't necessarily offensive either. On this show she was just nauseating. It was absolutely awful. Just....terrible.

And, of course, I'm still pissed about the explanation they've provided over Sydney's faked death.

Anyway, I do genuinely hope that something happens to rescue this show. Again, if the original taught us anything, it's that a show can reinvent itself in the second season. But, in fairness to CW, they are doing what they can.










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90210 Midseason Report

As originally reported in my preview video, I will be reviewing a different show every day this week....

Sorry about the late post, but I got stuck with various meetings and eating and such. For what it's worth, I missed the first two hours of Raw -- and it was actually an edition I was looking forward to seeing (Slammy Awards, new champions, and a fun host).

But, as promised, let's take a look at what we've seen so far from this second season of 90210, the CW 90's re-incarnation that seems to be working. In respect to those who may not be up-to-date, click the "Read More" link for my full review.

Overall, this has been a really enjoyable, very entertaining season. While I thought the first season was good, the show has improved by leaps and bounds. It's almost as if 90210 has become comfortable in its own skin.

And let me just say, that was one of the most phenomenal endings leading to a hiatus that I've seen in quite some time. Jasper's cold, straight face as he revealed to Annie that he's known that she was the one who killed her uncle was chilling and intriguing. How long has he known? How did he find out? And finally, how on earth will this story arc resolve itself without Annie going to prison?

I've also enjoyed the distance from last year's somewhat forced relationships. Scratch that. It's not that the specific relationships were forced, it's more that the characters as a whole were forced to be in relationships. It's as if they said, "Hey, we've got X amount of girls, X amount of guys....let's hitch 'em up!" without any real thought of whether they were compatible. Now they've stepped back and rethought which characters should be together. And of course, in some instances, those original relationships were the right ones -- and we're beginning to see those rebuilt.

Oh, and Silver is lovely. And I love her short hair.

That's not to say that this season is completely praise-worthy. First off, there has been A LOT of bitching, moaning, and complaining. For a long while, Dixon was completely unwatchable. And the fact that he lived in the same house as mopey mcgee Annie, it was just too much. But at least you could understand Annie's personality shift.

Along with that, I find these super chummy relationships a bit of a stretch, especially with the guys. On the original, it just worked because there was so much history. Sure, Steve and Dylan were completely different personalities, but you understood that they have a lifetime of friendship behind them. And their relationship continued to work because of their mutual friendship with Brandon. On this series, Dixon, Liam, and Teddy are ALL new kids on campus. What exactly drew them together? It just seems a little forced.

The girls are a bit better, but I still double take every now and then that Naomi and Silver are suddenly inseparable. I respect that they've rebuilt their relationship, but it just seems like a far stretch that Silver would completely forgive everything that Naomi had done to her (like, ya' know, tearing her family apart).

Overall, though, I'd suggest this show to anybody who enjoyed the original. The characters are finding their strides, and it's really become its own. For example, I really do see Silver as her own character, and not Kelly's little sister. I just hope Melrose Place is given the same opportunity.








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[a case of the blog] - Preview for next week

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Deus ex Machina Housewives

Deus ex Machina - a plot device in which a person or thing appears "out of the blue" to help a character to overcome a seemingly insolvable difficulty.

While I'm not really a fan of Desperate Housewives (although I find it infinitely less offensive than Grey's Anatomy), I am a bit of a sucker for disaster movies. So when the show does its annual "destruction" episode, I usually decide to tune in.

And I must say, it has become increasingly obvious that these episodes are just a mechanism to get certain characters out of precarious situations. The tornado episode conveniently killed Gabrielle's husband so that she could get back together with Carlos, and likewise, last night's plane crash ever so serendipitously rescued another central character from a potentially damaging situation (I won't say who or how, but anyone who saw the episode should know what I'm talking about). And I must say, considering they hype the hell out of these messes, it's highly disappointing when it merely takes up two minutes of the episode.

For that matter, can, like, every show in the universe agree to take a year or so off with this "start the episode off with the climax, then show the _____ days/hours earlier subtitle" method of storytelling?

Anyway, for those interested, here's the plane crash scene in its entirety:










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TV shows and some other stuff

My Heroes review will likely be posted sometime tomorrow, but I thought I'd take this opportunity to discuss some of the other shows I watch. But before I get to that, I'd like to thank my good friend Neal over at Oblivious to Melody (and he actually deserves the shout out this time -- he updated his blog!) for taking advantage of the Proposition 9/28...er...proposition. Indeed, the big guy purchased me a Simpsons Kidrobot figure and I ended up getting somebody I don't already have -- Marge!! Very appreciated, my friend.

Now, to some of the shows I don't formally review. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten around to watching last week's Vampire Diaries yet, but only because last I checked it hasn't been added to the CW website yet. I also intend to watch Flash Forward, but I haven't gotten around to that either. Actually, I was out Thursday for a work event, and it struck me at that point that I have A LOT of shows to watch that night. The Office, Vampire Diaries, Flash Forward, and Survivor. That's pretty intense. But now onto the shows I have had the chance to watch.

Melrose Place - I've really enjoyed the season thus far, and I think the use of flashbacks have been very clever. It's like a combination between Lost and early Desperate Housewives. Don't get me wrong, it's still a soap opera, and the writing is no where near the level of Lost, but it's been an enjoyable show thus far. Nonetheless, I was HIGHLY disappointed by the explanation provided for Sydney's faked death. When it was announced that her death had been faked, and that Michael had somehow assisted her, I was deeply intrigued. But the story they told was completely thrown together and utterly lazy. Like, I almost found it offensive.

Anybody who was a fan of the early season likely recalls that (a) Michael's cartoonish hair looked nothing like that at any point in the season of the original series. Actually, it was pretty similar to the 'do he sports now, (b) Michael wasn't even in the hospital the night Sydney died -- if I remember right, he was getting thrown through a window by Peter, (c) at the time of Sydney's "death," she and Michael barely interacted any more. At that point, they were no where near close enough that Michael would risk his livelihood for her. Hell, even when they were close he barely liked her, (d) Sydney's death had nothing to do with any hit whatsoever. And it certainly had nothing to do with her husband.

Additionally, for the life of me, I didn't understand the whole deal with her going to jail. Was she caught and sent to jail? Or did she go to jail in place of her dying? I don't know. It was just really disappointing, as THIS backstory was the one I was looking most forward to. It just seems wrong that it was revealed in the third episode in such a lackluster manner.

Oh, and the actor who portrays Jonah really fell ass backwards into a sweet deal, having the two hottest girls on the show fighting over him.

The Cleveland Show - I'm still willing to give this show a chance, but man, that was a pretty rough pilot in my opinion. I'm a MASSIVE fan of Family Guy, and American Dad has grown on me more than I ever imagined it would, so I obviously appreciate of this brand of humor. But the show seemed like it was trying entirely too hard -- and it wasn't very funny. And it was one of those odd situations where the writers say, "Hey, this character is strong enough to carry his own series. Let's change everything about him." The reason I'm willing to give it a shot, though, is because it doesn't compete with any other show I watch. And Family Guy and American Dad have both improved by leaps and bounds since their debut.

Family Guy - Like I said, huge fan of the show, and I found the premiere absolutely brilliant. I sometimes feel like the writers resort to the old "Stewie and Brian hijinx" routine a bit too often, but this was spot on. I positively LOVED the Disney universe (awesome animation, by the way). And the tongue-in-cheek shots at Robot Chicken are always fun.

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TV Thoughts: 90210, Melrose Place, Vampire Diaries -- and brief Breaking Point thoughts

So the CW had some premieres this past week, including a returning guilty pleasure -- 90210 -- the return of an old guilty pleasure -- a revamped Melrose Place -- and the debut of a potentially exciting new series -- Vampire Diaries. I watched all three, and for the most part, I was pleasantly surprised. I wasn't COMPLETELY sold on this "new" new 90210, as I felt the routine with Silver, Naomi, and Adrianna being super duper close best friends seemed entirely too forced. Silver and Naomi are the two personalities they've done the best job of establishing -- and I think it's a stretch that they'd be so chummy. Speaking of Silver, she looks absolutely SMOKING. Love the new, shorter hair. The dark turn with Annie has the potential to be fun, although it's a bit reminiscent of her Degrassi days. Oh, and that new character, Teddy, looks like he's about 45 years old.

I thought Melrose Place gave an impressive showing. They did a far better job than 90210 of integrating the classic characters with the new ones, and I feel like the murder mystery is a fun, suspenseful, and focused way of driving the season. They've done a nice job of placing suspicions on numerous characters, whether it's through motive, opportunity, or suspicious behavior. And honestly, how freakin' awesome is it having Michael Mancini back on our televisions? The show's only real downfall is that it's named "Melrose Place" and it's on the CW. If everything was the same, but under a different name and on ABC, people would be lauding it as the second coming of Desperate Housewives.

Vampire Diaries was a lot of fun, and most certainly worth a second viewing. If you remember from my Top Ten Cases: Hottest women on television list, I'm a big fan of Nina Dobrev. And I've always been a vampire enthusiast -- even before it was fashionable. So I had to give this show a shot. Some of the similarities to True Blood were a bit striking -- the protagonist is an orphan with a deadbeat brother, there's a girl with seemingly supernatural abilities (who has a "gram," no less), the warring vampires over the affections of one human female, and so on. But that's nit picking, and ultimately irrelevant. In the end, I really just enjoyed the characters as well as the overall conflict of the series -- especially between the two brothers. This season of True Blood really gained momentum when it focused on the Bill/Sookie/Eric triangle, and this show is doing that right off the bat. I most certainly recommend this series to anybody who's a fan of the HBO hit show.

Anyway, WWE's new Pay-Per-View, Breaking Point, is on tonight. And while I admire the company for these theme-related PPV's -- as it at least sets them apart from the loads of other shows being offered -- I have to admit that I'm not a fan of this one. First and foremost, I think making three or four matches submission-related really takes the spectacle out of seeing somebody tap out. Triple H tapping out to some guy at WrestleMania XX was so special because, up until that point (if I'm not mistaken), it had never happened. That was far more special than if it had been a typical pin. I mean, what's so great about being somebody submit after you've already seen it twice in the past hour and a half? For that matter, I think this show kinda steps on the toes of Extreme Rules. When you have an I Quit Match, a Submission Match, a Falls Count Anywhere Match, and a Singapore Cane Match, it sounds an awful lot like Extreme Rules.

I'm also not so much a fan of the upcoming Hell in a Cell or the rumored (confirmed?) TLC: Tables, Ladders, and Chairs PPVs. Again, both of these stipulations have been established as a special attraction. Seeing them multiple times on one card takes away that specialness, especially with Hell in a Cell. And with TLC, it creates a dangerous precedent where talent is expected to one-up each other. I would much prefer they just rename No Way Out "Elimination Chamber," since that show has already established itself as having multiple Elimination Chamber matches to set up for WrestleMania.

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[a case of the summer] - Video of the Week

Alright, alright, I am going to have my Man Card temporarily revoked again, but this week's video feature is an extended preview for the new Melrose Place, which is set to debut this fall on CW. The original series was a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. And c'mon, how could you not love the return of MICHAEL MAN-F'N-CINI??? Watch, and enjoy (and you know you will):

Click here to view my YouTube Favorites

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No f'n way!

http://ausiellofiles.ew.com/2008/10/breaking-cw-dev.html?xid=partner-cnn-todayslatest-%27Melrose+Place%27+reboot+at+The+CW

I can't imagine this will be very good -- although, c'mon, tonight's 90210 was actually pretty damn good -- but count me in! In fact, if they get Michael Mancini back on TV, it'll go on my TiVo!

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Initial 90210 thoughts

Yeah yeah, I know, I'm a 26 year old guy. Get over it.

Considering how big this series was during my childhood, I just HAD to at least give this show a chance. Overall I found it pretty inoffensive, and certainly no worse than any of the other teen dramas out there. I thought they went a little too unnecessarily heavy with the pop culture references (with gems like "You can see Britney's house!" "It's like everybody is Scarlett Johansson!" and mentioning blogs every other sentence), but I'll wait until the show gets a little more comfortable with itself before I judge that too harshly.

I did appreciate the throwbacks to the original series, like the quick appearance of Andrea Zuckerman's daughter. One thing that didn't really get touched upon, though: If Andrea's daughter goes to school at West Beverly, it's pretty safe to assume that Andrea lives in the area as well. So where was she during the whole Brenda/Kelly reunion? And will this ever be mentioned once for the entirety of this series?

Speaking of Brenda, is it me, or did she not used to have that gap in between her front teeth?

Oh, and I'm sure we're supposed to assume that Kelly's son is either Brandon or Dylan's. They sent us a little hint that it's Brandon's (with Kelly presumably on the phone with the father, and then later telling Brenda she had a phone conversation with Brandon), which probably means it's not his. Too bad, I always thought they should have ended up together.

It was great seeing Nat (and bravo to the Willie reference), but given how devoted he was to his diner, it seems somewhat hard to believe that he would he turn his classic diner into a trendy coffee shop.

If nothing else, I'm going to keep watching for one simple reason: Jessica Stroup, who plays Silver. Holy hell, how did this girl escape my radar for all of these years? She's positively stunning.

So anyway, if you liked the original series, it's probably worth checking out, if only for the nostalgic feeling. Whether it's worth watching for the next ten years remains to be seen.

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Returning to the zip code

Have you picked sides in the Rachel Bilson vs. Mila Kunis super duper hotness competition yet? If not, be sure to vote!

So according to People Magazine, Jennie Garth has officially signed on for the 90210 spin off series that will debut on the CW Network (yay! They survived the strike!) Upon hearing this news, a few people I know have sighed and shook their heads, as if Jennie Garth was lowering herself to appear on the series. Lets be honest: Aside from Dancing with the Stars, what has Jennie Garth really done? And don't even bring up that Amanda Bynes series. I'd bet my bottom dollar that the vast majority of people couldn't even give the name of her character.

What I found most interesting about the article, actually, was the fact that Ian Ziering and Tori Spelling are actively trying to attach themselves to the show. Should their characters join the show, I'm interesting in seeing how they will be written, since their series spouses have, thus far, shown no interest in appearing on the spin off.

If I could briefly turn in my hetero-card, I'd like to actually rant about one qualm I have with the original 90210 series, and that's the constant cop outs they've utilized when it comes to a character having to choose between two love interests. This is most apparent with the two central love triangles, namely Dylan, Kelly, and Brenda, and Kelly, Brandon, and Dylan.

Yes, I do realize that at one point, Dylan DID pick Kelly over Brenda -- and I commend the writers for having the character solidly make a decision -- but for the remainder of the series, they really avoided having to make that decision. They were clearly leading towards a Dylan/Brenda reunion before Shannon Doherty left, and once Brenda was written off, suddenly Dylan was undyingly devoted to Kelly again. And then when the Dylan character subsequently left, he was back to his old ways, shacking up with Brenda off screen. Naturally, when he returned, he was back to loving Kelly with all his heart. The writers also established a "what was Dylan doing this whole time" time line, which completely contradicted previous indications that he was still living and involved with Brenda.

The Kelly, Brandon, and Dylan affair was even worse, highlighted by that ridiculous "I choose me" crap. Kelly and Brandon didn't even reunite until after Dylan left, and likewise Dylan and Kelly didn't get back together until after Brandon left.

For what it's worth, I always felt like Dylan and Brenda belonged together, while Kelly and Brandon should have ended up together. Yes, there was an attraction and even passion between Kelly and Dylan, but that relationship truly seemed to lack the deep connection that Dylan shared with Brenda, and that Kelly shared with Brandon. To me, the love between Dylan and Kelly seemed very superficial.

Can I have my hetero-card back now? No? What do you mean I'm on probation?

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